I guess that if i didn't get confused that means what i chose is most likely the wrong one. If you have to think about it, makes the choice in the end more real? I don't know i just feel so crappy and i can't take others pain away because i have so much of my own crap to deal with. Why does it have to be so hard? I know that what choice i make even if its for me i will hurt many. I hate being human some times. Why? because I can love more then one. and what happened if you have a major event with some one and then it just goes to shit? why are the best things given to others? Ow and to just subject here real quick. the fact of me never having children is of this. I want to have my child with someone who has no kids. i have no problem you know adopting and being a step mom, but me having a child will be a first for both. and i wont do that until i am married. and that will never happen. i never want to have the hurt of being death do you part and then 10 years down the line or even 1 year and going this is not working. I don't see the point. I feel like such a loser for the fact that i will never have those things but see people who treat there lives like crap and yet they get the 3 kids. Man i wish i could just cry and fucking deal with all the crap in my heart but when i start i just get so hurt i stop. Only the weak cry and my mother told me when i was little. man i can't even get angry,
OK to let you know why i am having this issue. I have come up to Iowa for the summer to see my family and just defrag. well that is not going well for the fact that while i have been here i have had to face some issues that hit close to home. I want to move back but would that be the best choice? I would have to leave Doug, and start over and how the hell am i going to get back up here? And if i do come back here I would most likely live with my parents for a couple of months till i got my place to live. go back to school. would i get back together with my high school sweet heart? that is the question that is in my head and heart more then anything else? I do love him and i don;t think i ever did stop. would me being here be hurting his chance at having his daughter. which is a beauty, and funny even thou she is just 8 months. and she will be my "Bella" no matter what any one says. but could i cohabited with his ex and baby's mother? she hates me with a passion. and i think she is the stupidest person for letting him go. stupid stupid.
and i have an issue with the fact that i had that option take from me. me being selfish. I lost the chance to have a child with him.god this is so stupid. it should not matter but for some stupid reason for me it does. man i hope i end up sterile then i can just say i never had the chance and maybe it would hurt less.
sorry about this if you have read this far. I hate being a girl some days, like now and when i have cramps.
starting to cry need to go.