Thursday, July 19, 2007

confustion once again.

I guess that if i didn't get confused that means what i chose is most likely the wrong one. If you have to think about it, makes the choice in the end more real? I don't know i just feel so crappy and i can't take others pain away because i have so much of my own crap to deal with. Why does it have to be so hard? I know that what choice i make even if its for me i will hurt many. I hate being human some times. Why? because I can love more then one. and what happened if you have a major event with some one and then it just goes to shit? why are the best things given to others? Ow and to just subject here real quick. the fact of me never having children is of this. I want to have my child with someone who has no kids. i have no problem you know adopting and being a step mom, but me having a child will be a first for both. and i wont do that until i am married. and that will never happen. i never want to have the hurt of being death do you part and then 10 years down the line or even 1 year and going this is not working. I don't see the point. I feel like such a loser for the fact that i will never have those things but see people who treat there lives like crap and yet they get the 3 kids. Man i wish i could just cry and fucking deal with all the crap in my heart but when i start i just get so hurt i stop. Only the weak cry and my mother told me when i was little. man i can't even get angry,

OK to let you know why i am having this issue. I have come up to Iowa for the summer to see my family and just defrag. well that is not going well for the fact that while i have been here i have had to face some issues that hit close to home. I want to move back but would that be the best choice? I would have to leave Doug, and start over and how the hell am i going to get back up here? And if i do come back here I would most likely live with my parents for a couple of months till i got my place to live. go back to school. would i get back together with my high school sweet heart? that is the question that is in my head and heart more then anything else? I do love him and i don;t think i ever did stop. would me being here be hurting his chance at having his daughter. which is a beauty, and funny even thou she is just 8 months. and she will be my "Bella" no matter what any one says. but could i cohabited with his ex and baby's mother? she hates me with a passion. and i think she is the stupidest person for letting him go. stupid stupid.

and i have an issue with the fact that i had that option take from me. me being selfish. I lost the chance to have a child with him.god this is so stupid. it should not matter but for some stupid reason for me it does. man i hope i end up sterile then i can just say i never had the chance and maybe it would hurt less.

sorry about this if you have read this far. I hate being a girl some days, like now and when i have cramps.

starting to cry need to go.


Wendy said...

anytime there is transition or growth, there is pain. Growing pains means your soul and mind as well as body.

There is no way to get where you are going unless it hurts. And, baby, change hurts. I speak from volumes of experience.

You are crying and struggling and torn. This is normal and has to happen no matter your decision. I'm sorry it sucks and love sucks a lot of the time.

You don't wish you are sterile and if you are meant to have babies you will. You're young and shouldn't have to worry about this right this moment, even though this guy seems to be bringing this worry to you. If you stay there and stay with him you don't know what may happen 5 years down the road. He may love you so much he changes his mind but you can't worry about whay "might" happen. What if it doesn't? You know whatI mean? And, I am sure if you decided to stay up there family (read Gramma) might be willing to get you back home if it means school and such...I know your Mom and Dad want you there too.

I think, I may be off, I think you are finally at a point where you can pick up your life that was stolen from you because of someones evil intents. I think you should have lived life in Iowa and never would have began the journey in NM if it hadn't been for you ex. BUT, everything happens for a reason and this is the point where you and the one you love can come back together and continue. You see what I mean? (again, WTF do I know)

Doug will be sad, but he has his life too. He will graduate and find work and live life probably diging up fabulous places...he will be sad and so will you. But was your destiny truly with him? (I have no idea, just talking out loud)

I'm thinking of you and the selfish me wants you to come back and work. The loving me wants you to stay and be happy with your family and boy of your dreams.

Take care and let me know how you are doing.

JLee said...

I have a friend who had an abortion because her husband at the time did not want a child, then later after they divorced, she had to have a hysterectomy. She felt this was punishment because now she is unable to ever have children. But later, she felt that it is life and she was not meant for that path, and her new love has a small child that she loves very much as her own. So you never know what life will bring your way :)

JLee said...

I hope that comment was relevant in some way..haha
Just that life is not always in a neat little box.

Student said...

Thank you both so much it does help to hear nice words from others that have different and more exprenices.