And one for me...

Also for Ryan....hehe

For Ryan.

121

so here is post 121 and i just want to run a tally K? just want to say thank you to all the other countries that read my drama infused life and want to know who is out there!!!!!

all you have to do is say hey, or howdy, or hi. hello counts.

much love

pictures

A Picture Is Worth A Thousand Words,

A Picture Of A Thousand Word Is Worth 1 1/2 Chipmunks.

Discuss.....

Issues for Therapy

My GrandMother on my fathers side said "Titties" over dinner last night.

Discuss....

friday the 27th.

OK so today has been really busy!!! I have found something that is better then choc! if you can belive that. It is called banana dessert pizza. it is fucking awesome!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! any who, i finished painting my grandmother gazebo this evening made 100 bucks not bad, and farmers market is tomorrow. so maybe more money to come in, cuz i get to give my parents 45 dollars for the phone bill, i like to talk to the Ryan. so yep!

got to see Ryan today, made the whole day, made lunch and it turned out like crap. he still ate it, bless his heart. <3. and one month till his birthing day, and 2 till mine!! rock on 24 will rule but just getting closer to 50.

but more info later!!

Me Me ME!!!!!

I am the fucking hottest thing on here!

The Ryan.

Hot Hot Hot.

My Bella.

Is she not the cutest?

ok for now

OK just to let every one know that i am live and well would be point less. I am doing good, leaning more towards moving back up here. just to give some heads up. any way i will be putting up picture up later this evening i have to run now because i have to go run a delivery for my mother. She owns a balloon shop. how cool is that, and you can't for get about the adult novelties in the back. fun fun. and that explain so much. right?

injustice

OK so i have been having a really long day. I was going to hang out with a friend but for some reason i have been unable to get a hold of him *bad pun*. anyway i really hope he is OK and will call or text me when he gets a chance.

confustion once again.

I guess that if i didn't get confused that means what i chose is most likely the wrong one. If you have to think about it, makes the choice in the end more real? I don't know i just feel so crappy and i can't take others pain away because i have so much of my own crap to deal with. Why does it have to be so hard? I know that what choice i make even if its for me i will hurt many. I hate being human some times. Why? because I can love more then one. and what happened if you have a major event with some one and then it just goes to shit? why are the best things given to others? Ow and to just subject here real quick. the fact of me never having children is of this. I want to have my child with someone who has no kids. i have no problem you know adopting and being a step mom, but me having a child will be a first for both. and i wont do that until i am married. and that will never happen. i never want to have the hurt of being death do you part and then 10 years down the line or even 1 year and going this is not working. I don't see the point. I feel like such a loser for the fact that i will never have those things but see people who treat there lives like crap and yet they get the 3 kids. Man i wish i could just cry and fucking deal with all the crap in my heart but when i start i just get so hurt i stop. Only the weak cry and my mother told me when i was little. man i can't even get angry,

OK to let you know why i am having this issue. I have come up to Iowa for the summer to see my family and just defrag. well that is not going well for the fact that while i have been here i have had to face some issues that hit close to home. I want to move back but would that be the best choice? I would have to leave Doug, and start over and how the hell am i going to get back up here? And if i do come back here I would most likely live with my parents for a couple of months till i got my place to live. go back to school. would i get back together with my high school sweet heart? that is the question that is in my head and heart more then anything else? I do love him and i don;t think i ever did stop. would me being here be hurting his chance at having his daughter. which is a beauty, and funny even thou she is just 8 months. and she will be my "Bella" no matter what any one says. but could i cohabited with his ex and baby's mother? she hates me with a passion. and i think she is the stupidest person for letting him go. stupid stupid.

and i have an issue with the fact that i had that option take from me. me being selfish. I lost the chance to have a child with him.god this is so stupid. it should not matter but for some stupid reason for me it does. man i hope i end up sterile then i can just say i never had the chance and maybe it would hurt less.

sorry about this if you have read this far. I hate being a girl some days, like now and when i have cramps.

starting to cry need to go.

OK i am having a lot of personal shit right now. but just wanted any one who actual reads this to feel none forgotten.

I have come to the conclusion today that i will never have kids. and that will be explained on later.

good night.

109

so this will be 109 in my blog so i think that is neat, but just wanted myself really to know that even thou i have a lot of crap to deal with and try and figure out. I have time. no matter what any one says. I hope to make the right one but it does not have to be right now you know.
Talked with a friend today and she told me that what ever makes me happy is what i should do. which is what i had just said to her, she is my favorite Daughter in figurative speaking. I understand her point of view but i can still feel unease about hurting people.

I would love to hear from my guides and get the message not just a fuzzy image. that would really help.

What I want.

I want A home, i want a car that works, I want a family some day, I don't want to get married, I want a good paying job, I want to be near my family, I want to like my in laws even if they live with us, I want to be able to practice my belief in my home. I want to know where my next meal and bill payment is coming from, I want to know that i have a place that is safe for my animals. I want freedom to do what i want to do, I want to be able have friends that like me for me, not what i can give them. I want the ability to sleep with who i want, cool if i have a steady but I still want that option. I want a guy who can get me off, I want a guy who is willing to try anything. I want a soul mate, I want true happiness, I want the love that makes me weak in the knees. I want the butterfly's in the tummy, I want to be 60 pounds lighter. I want to be able to cry and not feel like a piece of shit, I want to make my jewelry and make money at it. I want for the future that if i have kids that i don't have to worry about money with taking care of them. I want a father who will fight tooth and nail to help his children.

well here is my list and i guess i should start on the fact of where i am going to be doing all these things at. Here or Iowa?

Man what do i want?

sound about right.

Artistic Boobies

ok weird ness

Lets get the weird stuff out of the way first.

I re fell in love the other day. and my heart hurts cuz i can't be with him. I left now i want to be back. but that can;t happen. I wonder if he even know even thou i told him? does he take it serious? I want to ask him but i don't want to be a a weirdo girl and be all in his shit you know? what if he wants me to and i;m scared? wow i have not had a girl train of thought like this in so long. man i want to cry. fuck. and i can;t even talk to him until tomorrow. and i need sleep for the only reason that i have slept 15 hours in the past 4 days. I know he wants to be in me but does he want to be with me? I know i leave in like 6 weeks is that enough time to have this figured out? I am so confused, and crying.

is it possible that your soul was split into 3 pieces? you know the soul mate principle?

i have to stop for the fact it's starting to get hard to see the screen thru the tears.

night.