Wednesday, August 08, 2007

Moderating Thoughts....

My name is Katie and i am having a bad day. I want to cry but that is not coming very easily. I have all this stuff in my head that i want to say but can't. I am going to try and get some of it down here just so that i can have room to maybe sleep. I took some meds last night and they did not help at all. still kept waking up all night. I also got lucky and got a headache from it. yeah!!!! see my false happiness.

Got to see Ryan which made it better, I guess he took some pics of me, i hope they turn out good so i can put them up here or in my own home soon. I am going to miss my friends from down there. but i figure i will be forgotten by most with in a few months. But back to Ryan, going to miss him he is going to go take pics of a wedding for a friend. he is driving across country kind of, but still sending him safety and love. can't have one with out the other, right? But i don't get to see him until next week. so tears for me.

yeah, but we are having river fest this weekend so i might just get busy and sell all my jewelry this farmers market! that would be great. plus get to help at the women's abuse thing this weekend.

Going back to New Mexico in 12 days, I'm excited to see every one i have missed all summer but also worried about how it will be with me moving back. I don't want to hurt any one but i kinda want to have a understanding you know. i don't want to leave and have people go "did Katie ever come back? did she die?" that would be bad. Plus i am going to have to give up my truck. That makes me sad. Going to leave the place i have called home for the past 3 years, leaving my dog and my cats. The rat is Norton's. Leaving Doug witch is kinda hard to think about. even if he has been a little bit of an ass. Its hard to leave that safety even if it is not good or stagnate. Its what you have learned as safe, and i an terrified to take my next step forward. I don't want to fall but the only way to grow is to fall right? get up go yep that didn't work lets try this.

Maybe learn to love again. I understand now what Wendy told me once, we are human we love, and not one at a time either. we love our family while loving our friends, and the one we call ours. but i have more in each then just one. I guess the best way to say it is I am an alpha and i will love and protect what is mine. but its not mine mine just my family. might not be by blood but by heart.

I think i got some out, i figure it looks OK to me and when i reread it tomorrow it will look completely unreadable. so but thanks for reading.


Still just me said...

Change is always hard, but the decision to change is harder.

I left a bad marriage of 18 years, and even though I was miserable in the marriage, it was the hardest decision I ever made. It was what I knew, it was, in a way, my safety.

Since I left several years ago, I have found that I am now a much stronger woman, more independent. I am doing things with my life now that I would have never had the courage to do if I would have stayed.

Hold your head up and stay strong. You have a very bumpy road ahead of you to travel before you reach pavement.

Good luck.

Wendy said...

awwww. I love you. And it is good to know that my "evil" plan for you is working out just as I envisioned.

Talked to Daniel Wednesday. He asked for your phone number, class time you know. I just laughed and said, "well, she is in Iowa and I don't think she is coming back." oh. So, new recaptionist and she won't be as cool as you, but our paths crossed for a reason whatever that may have been.

12 days and you will see Doug, oof. That will be hard. But if he is being an ass from far away, he will be a doll close up. Don't let him sweet talk you. Hang strong!